Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Traffic Laws: A Comparison


Speed Limit 55 mph
Translation: Drive 65-70 mph

Yellow Light
Translation: Speed up

Just-Turned-Red Light

Right of Way
Translation: The driver with the biggest vehicle goes first.

Stop Sign
Translation: Wait... we have those?

Left Turn Signal On
Translation: I accidentally hit that mysterious stick on my steering wheel while swatting at that fly 20 miles back.

Right Turn Signal On
Translation: I accidentally hit that mysterious stick on my steering wheel while rolling up my window when it started to rain 10 minutes ago.

No Turn Signal 
Translation: Turning right and left, whenever I want to. Probably at the same time.

What Your GPS Says
Turn left at the second fork past the black barn. Continue "straight" for 12 miles. Turn right past the third horse farm with the stone wall. Make a U-turn. You are off the road. Turn around. Turn around now! NOW!


Speed Limit 60 mph
Translation: Drive 60 mph

Yellow Light
Translation: Clear the intersection

Translation: Stop

Right of Way
Translation: "Hi neighbor! Why don't you go first?" "No, you first." "No, really, I insist. You first." "I'm quite enjoying sitting here at this intersection, so please, go ahead." "Oh. Well, okay. Thank you, neighbor!"

Stop Sign
Translation: Stop. Look. Go.

Left Turn Signal On
Translation: I'm turning left soon.

Right Turn Signal On
Translation: I'm turning right soon.

No Turn Signal
Translation: I'm not turning.

What Your GPS Says
Oh wait! I don't even USE my GPS here! That's right, I, the same horrible with directions Christy who previously drove (and frequently got lost) in Ohio and Kentucky, now find my destinations simply by glancing at a map before I leave. In Des Moines, north-south roads are numbered (higher the farther west you go) and there are several east-west roads that go all the way across the main area of the region and are easy to remember. What's that? You want to go to Aldi? Well, my friend, you simply have to hop on I-235 East, get off on 68th Street, go north until you hit Douglas and then take a right. If you don't want to get on the highway, you can take University to 68th instead. Or, if you prefer, you can take 31st St north and turn left on Douglas. (Okay, okay, 31st does shift east and turn into 30th, and then into Euclid. Life is difficult sometimes. Get over it.) How simple is that!? It all just makes so much sense!

All that to say, Kentucky will always, always, always have a special place in my heart... but I like driving in Iowa better.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Lessons From an Old Wise Married Woman

We're hitched!

I've been married a whole five days now. Since with marriage invariably comes infinite wisdom and knowledge, I thought I would pass on some of my new-found sagacity to you, my dear readership. Here we go.

1.  If you have a dryer that dries clothes, DON'T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED! I repent of my previous, ungrateful clothes-drying ways! I have done SO much laundry since getting to Des Moines and have WAY too much still to do. Sadly, the dryers only get things about 75% dry. It looked like snow had fallen in our apartment yesterday because every available piece of furniture had sheets spread over it to dry. Welcome to my laundry life for the next 1.5 years.

2. Tennis balls aren't just for playing tennis! I bought some to put in the dryer with the clothes, since somewhere in the back of my mind I remembered reading that this breaks up the clothes so they dry faster. With the tennis balls, my wash comes out 85%-90% dry! Hooray!

3. Hot chocolate in bed may sound romantic, but it's actually just a recipe for burns, messes, more laundry. Don't do it.

4. Men are like children. To keep them happy, you need to:
4a. Buy them toys:

4b. Give them video games:

Overall, life is good. Stay tuned for more!